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[25 Feb 2011|12:37am]
For anyone still reading this...

I will still post here, for more private entries.
But I'd love it if you'd join me on tumblr.


thank you<3
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Mental Illness [12 Feb 2011|04:33pm]
I feel like I'm speaking to ghosts when I update this.
I guess sometimes I just need to get my thoughts down. It just helps me in some way.

I've been dealing with daily (sometimes more than one a day) panic attacks. I've always dealt with these but now that I am not working I have really had time to sit with myself and think about my mental health and what it means.

Without getting into detail, I had to deal with a lot of things on my own as a child and as a teenager. Feelings of inadequacy, fighting/physical abuse at home, abusive boyfriends, severe lack of confidence, constant panic attacks as young girl and not understanding what they were, being a self injurer, among other things.

I was brought up in a family who wanted to support me, however did not understand mental illness and assumed it as a cry of attention, or me just being lazy. I buried myself in other things, books, writing, makeup, boys...anything to help me not have to deal with myself. Getting to know myself.

Over the years, I have been to therapists on and off, but I never was able to connect with one in particular enough to really get a diagnosis, or to really get to the root of any of my issues. I continued to self injure, continued to have panic attacks, continued to deal with bouts of depression. On my own.

Many of you that remember me from that time, remember me as someone who was always in some kind of drama, always dating a different guy, always making things more dramatic and over the top than they had to be. I'm not sure why I made things in my life so difficult.

Now that I am an adult, my anxiety has gotten so much worse. I can't keep a job. I apply to a job, get an interview and nail it with confidence, and as soon as I sign the last paper and officially start my new position, I am suddenly overcome with dread. Intense dread...and it doesn't go away. Every day I wake up to go to work, I am running through how I can get through it. I've been able to do it in the past, however it always comes to a point where I just up and quit, no matter what my situation. I have never given a 2 week notice. I just up and leave. Driving to a job is absolute hell. I consider getting into an accident so I don't have to go. I've called out and made up absolutely over the top lies just so I don't have to leave my house.

Anxiety has completely taken over my life. I'm in the steps of getting Mass Health, so I can finally go back to therapy and really take it seriously. I'm just so scared I will never be able to work. What if I become homeless? What will happen to me? As of now, I feel completely incapable of working. Just the thought of it makes my heart race and my hands clam up. However, the thought of never having money to do anything I love again makes me panic. Then I get into this state of mind where I get lost in a train of thought of everything in my life going wrong.

I'm not sure what to do, what's going to happen, or where to go from here. But I'm trying my hardest to figure out what is going on with me and my life, and how to fix it. I'm just worry life won't wait around for me while I'm figuring it all out.
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Taking back the word FAT. [09 Feb 2011|06:27pm]
I have been on the path to loving my body for the last year or so.
It's been a constant struggle. I've been going back and forth over how I feel about myself.
Over the last 4 months, I have been part of an amazing group of women who have completely and utterly empowered me. I have been able to stand in front of the mirror naked and think, "Damn I look good!" and actually believe it.

It saddens me that women think they need to be thin to be happy/pretty/desired/successful. There is a huge difference between being healthy and your weight. Thin people are not always healthy. Overweight people are not always unhealthy.

I have been watching the junk I put into my body. I have been making healthier choices. I have also allowed myself to enjoy desserts, and junk food every now and then. I have treated myself to clothes that hug my curves, not hide them. I have spent extra time doing my makeup and my hair. I have looked at myself and noticed that I am truly beautiful. I have a fiance who thinks I'm gorgeous. What do I have to be unhappy about????

I personally know many women who are constantly dieting. Who are constantly saying, "BE PROUD OF ME, I LOST WEIGHT" or "LOOK HOW GROSS AND FAT I USED TO BE" and honestly? It breaks my heart. Because whether they think so or not, they are losing weight for the wrong reasons. A lot of them may say, "I'm doing it to be healthier." However in the next breath, they are talking about how much they hate their appearance. They are lying to themselves. Even if they lose weight, it may make them more confident for a short period of time, but it's not their weight that is the problem. It is the fact that they view themselves in a negative light. And if you lose weight do you know what will happen? You'll eventually find something else to hate about yourself. Cellulite. Spider veins. Frizzy hair. Bad Skin...SOMETHING to make you feel insecure and you will continue to obsess over it until you find a way to change it. And the cycle will continue.

I have always been the kind of person who has been attracted to a woman with curves. I have never found a skinny woman to be more attractive than one who was fat. However, living in this kind of society, Over the years I realized that my perception was greatly altered. YES it is more difficult for fat women to find clothes that are sexy, or at all fashionable. YES it is uncommon to see a fat women in a fashion magazine. But what does that matter exactly?

I want to be with a man that thinks I'm insanely gorgeous no matter what size I am. I want to be friends with people who make me feel good about myself, and don't bring me down because of their own insecurities. I want to be able to ENJOY food, and not constantly be counting how many calories I've put into my body, or turning away something delicious for fear of gaining a pound.

You have ONE LIFE. If you are watching what you are eating SOLELY for health reasons, then all the power to you. But more often than not, we are obsessed with food because we dislike our bodies. I am learning to embraced every single inch of me. To love and to appreciate myself the way I am, no matter what size I am at that point in time. Life is just too short.

I am so grateful that I discovered this before I did something drastic. As I said before, we all struggle with body image issues, as I still do. But I just wish there was something I could do to help women be more secure with themselves and who they are, what they look like. It's so depressing for me. What could I possibly do to have a part in changing people's minds about their bodies?
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[18 Nov 2010|07:10pm]
Sometimes people forget that some of my entries are public, and some of them are friends-only.
It's frustrating to me that I have no where to speak my mind without consequences.

I don't even know.

I don't feel like updating. I'm going back to school, I'm getting a new job, all the negativity from my past is slowly sizzling out, and it's very freeing. Nothing else of importance to speak of. Not that I'm talking to anyone or anything (Except Cae *waves)

adios for now.
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le sigh! [07 Nov 2010|05:39pm]

So things have been crazy in my mind, but not so crazy in reality.

Jeff and I will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary this Thursday. I am very thrilled and excited, although neither one of us have any money to even MAKE gifts or dinner or anything like that, so it's kind of sad in a way that we won't be able to celebrate in any special way.

Also, I've continuously looked for a part-time job with no such luck. I really need to make $100 so I can finish up my perfumes and actually set up my etsy shop.

On top of all that, Jeff seems to surprise me more and more with very immature things that he did/did not do before we met. Those included are: not paying his taxes for the last two years. Just the thought of that stresses me out. Because he collected unemployment last year and I know he owes money...that we don't have.

On top of it all, he doesn't have a license. He had one in Connecticut and lost it. Rather than getting another one, he just didn't. Now he lives in Massachusetts. Now I have to make a zillion phone calls to figure out how to get another Connecticut license, and THEN transfer it to a Massachusetts one. To make matters even WORSE, he informs me he never paid excise tax while he had a car in Connecticut, so I have no idea how much he owes on that.

It's just incredibly frustrating because I can't seem to fathom how someone just sweeps things under the rug and pretends they don't exist to the point where you stop paying taxes which can be a serious offense, and then gives up their license and ability to drive, just because they don't feel like making a few phone calls and sorting out the whole mess.

It's really true when they say you take on the baggage of your significant other. I do have sympathy in the fact that both of his parents passed away within a few years of each other, right around the time all of this stuff started happening. He never really got to help that others get from their parents to guide him in understanding how these kinds of things work. He was just thrown out on his own with no other choice when they passed. I'm just hoping we can settle all of this and it will be one less headache for me.

I want to go back to College, and I still have student loans from Salter. I have a car payment and insurance and an overdue ambulance bill that I pay. I have a cell phone that I can't get out of because I'm under contract and we can't afford the $200 upfront for an early cancellation. We have rent and utilities and basic living expenses and I just need a job so badly so I can stop feeling so damn guilty about making him pay for everything.

I need to at least make about $150 dollars a week. Which I truly don't think is that much to ask for. If we had that extra money, we'd be golden. I need to find a nanny position or something that allows me about 8 hours a day, two days a week or something for $10 an hour at least. I remember I was making $15 dollars an hour at my last nanny position, it's just so hard for parents to look past the fact that I have facial piercings, and I don't know why. I am a very warm, friendly and experienced person. I guess I'm going back to care.com now.

Love you all<3
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[29 Oct 2010|12:17pm]
Jeff is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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[18 Oct 2010|09:35am]
After a really sold 8 hours of sleep, I am now kicking back and relaxing with my coffee. Patiently waiting for my very first package of supplies for my new business to arrive. this packages contains lip balm tubes, flavor oils, and scent oils. I can't wait to smell them all and test them out in the base oils to see how they hold after a few days. Yay chemistry.

I woke up this morning and Jeff and I were talking about how it's been hard being constantly broke. I felt badly because here I am, following my dreams of owning my own business, and he goes to work and does 8 hours of manual labor. On a whim, I whipped up a little spell and spent the morning completing it. I wanted to draw more money to us for our hard work, as well as having Jeff feel worthwhile at his job.

I literally just got a text from him that said if he continues packing 85 packages a day at his job during the next month, he will get a $1 raise! (He JUST got one last month) And if he continues to do this, he will get another raise in February. That's $2.50 raise in less than a year!!

Not to mention, my mother and I chatted on the phone and she said they're going to be hiring where she works. Her job is only from 3pm-6pm 5 days a week at an aftercare program. I've been trying to get in there for a long time because they pay REALLY well and it's a super short shift. I'm applying tomorrow and keeping my fingers crossed!
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[11 Oct 2010|03:48pm]
So I've been searching for an answer to this all morning and due to the offices being closed on Columbus Day, I have not been able to find a definitive answer.

I quit my job at The Bridge in June. However, I did not apply for unemployment because I didn't think I would qualify because I quit, and I thought I wouldn't have a problem finding another job.

However, I have not only had a difficult time finding work, but I quit The Bridge because of mental health issues. (Getting punched in the face and getting my nose broken, having nervous breakdowns due to the type of work I was in, and the stress I was under, very long 14 hour shifts, no weekends off etc)

I read online that you CAN qualify if you quit your job for a good and valid personal or health-related reason. However, I do not know if I can still qualify since I've been out of work for so long.

Everyone I have spoken to says to their knowledge, I can still apply for benefits as long as I'm still actively looking for a job and have yet to find one. It doesn't say anywhere on the website that there is a specific time frame that you must apply after losing your job, other than if you wait too long, there is a possibility you may lose some of your benefits.

Does anyone know if this is true or not? Would having a job at CVS for two days effect my ability to obtain unemployment? I can't find any of this information anywhere.

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oh geez! [28 Jul 2010|08:48am]

I truthfully never thought that I would say the words, "I'm getting married!"

Not because of people's typical reasoning. It was more because I just felt like I was never going to be in love with someone enough to say, YES. That no one was ever going to love me enough to actually ASK.

Now here I sit, ring on my finger, as an engaged woman. It's still not real to me. Things feel exactly the same. I don't feel any more whole, loved or complete. But I think that's just it. The fact that I feel just as loved, just as whole and complete as I did the day before. The ring shouldn't make me feel whole. The officialness of the entire thing didn't make me feel like Jeff and I were set in stone. The day I met him, I knew.

He and I have had some setbacks, more specifically, *A* setback. The entire thing was surrounded by mis-communication and the fear of opening up to someone truly special. Once he and I were able to dive in completely and truly.

I really do think you know right away when you meet the person you're going to marry. It's not the "knowing" that you think you're aware of. It's almost as if you met yourself. Like you're best friends with the person in front of you, even though you don't know a thing about them. The thought that you could look into their eyes every single day and just love them more and more.

For those of you who have been following my livejournals since I was sixteen years old, You've watched me struggle with understanding who I am and understanding love itself. I never had a real relationship until I met Nick. I was then finally able to understand who I was, what I wanted in life, and what I wanted in a relationship as a WOMAN, not a girl.

There are a few thoughts I had when I met Jeff. Kind of private thoughts, but they were there either way. One for example, was that I had that weird urge to have a child someday. My entire life, I have always said it didn't matter to me whether or not I had a kid. For some reason, meeting him made me feel differently.

I am at this really excited, yet peaceful place in my life right now. I have never been more sure about anything in my life, or I wouldn't have said Yes. I hope that all of you know this. I know that I have only been with Jeff for 9 months, but there is no doubt. If there were, I don't think I would be with the right person. We both know this is what we've been waiting for our entire lives.

Thank all of you for your kind wishes and words. Jeff and I are both incredibly excited to officially start our lives together. I hope you're all there on that day when we make it official. I love you guys so much. Thank you for always being there and supporting me through every point in my life.

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[18 Jan 2010|08:03pm]
Fuck everything and everyone.
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FALL TV [26 Sep 2009|11:41am]
OK, this is my first year really getting into the Fall TV lineup.
I'm not sure how past years have gone but it really feels like there are tons of awesome shows out recently.

First off, if you missed any of the shows that I'm talking about or that you wanted to see, http://hulu.com has most of them the following day that they were aired.

Anyway, my obvious favorite this season is, Glee. I'm not worried about it getting canceled because from what I hear, it's a huge hit. I am LOVING this show so much it's almost sick.

Next, Modern Family. I will just die if this show gets canceled. It is so freaking hilarious I can't even begin to tell you how much I laughed.

Now, Cougar Town. Yes, I'm incredibly embarrassed to say I really, really enjoyed the pilot of this show. I suppose it was a mild hit, which is interesting. So many people have been saying the show is amazing, and the title is terrible...which I would have to agree with. While it plays on the 40-something woman getting it on with younger guys, it's a pretty racy show to the similar tune of sex and the city where both men and women will enjoy watching it. It's pretty hilarious too and I had quite a few laugh out loud moments.

I'm pretty sure Eastwick will be canceled, which is unfortunate because I actually really enjoyed it. It has a very similar feeling to Charmed, and if you liked that show you might like this one even more. It's not the same in the sense that these women are witches, but more that they have these weird abilities that they don't really understand, such as psychic ability, the ability to control the weather etc. The plot hasn't really unfolded yet but there is a lot of promise to the show because of the "mysterious man" who whisks in and stirs up all this drama. I kind of wish I didn't see a tombstone in the future for this show because I think it could get really interesting.

The next show is FlashForward I actually JUST watched the pilot on Hulu this morning, and while I didn't think I would be INSANELY into this show, I was completely wrong. It has been hailed as the next LOST, and I will have to agree. They really could take the plot line anywhere, but from the pilot in case you haven't read about it, Everyone on the planet blacks out for 2 minutes is 17 seconds. They all see a glimpse about 6 months in the future. Some people have amazingly happy flash forwards, and others not so much. The main character is an FBI agent and his flash forward is him trying to solve the mystery of the black outs. It's much more riveting with lots more characters with weird flash forwards but the ending of the pilot makes you go, "HOLY CRAP WHAT?!?!?!?!?" and I would write it here but I don't want to ruin it for those of you who haven't seen it or would like to. It just made me want to watch so much more.

Melrose Place still hasn't gotten incredibly interesting for me and I'm actually only watching it in hopes that it will get as good as the old one. It seems they are laying the ground work for some intensely dramatic soap opera plot lines and I'm holding on for a few more episodes until something super exciting happens. If it doesn't, I'm done watching it.

I'm also keeping up with So You Think You Can Dance and America's Next Top Model because I'm absolutely, pathetically addicted to them.
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[10 Aug 2009|12:02am]
OK So I found some cars in my price range.
Help me pick one out?
Which one do you think I should get, and why?
I really appreciate it.

Cars behind the cut! Pick one please!!!Collapse )

So what do you think? I know Honda's are good cars and those are some decently priced, low mileage ones. I'm not sure about Hyundai and Nissan though...that's why I'm asking for imput.

edit://After looking them over a few more times I narrowed it down myself a bit.
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On an unrelated note? [05 Jun 2009|06:20pm]

I am very amazingly Pro.
(Ergoth didn't stand a chance obviously.)
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Damian and I are the biggest dorks in the entire world.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Okay thats my maple rambling for the day.
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C'mon! [10 Mar 2009|10:20am]
Just give it a try!!!

Quizzes Leaderboard
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Just give it a try!!!

<center><a href="http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/4781231" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.testriffic.com/friend/4781231/1.gif" title="Quizzes" alt="Quizzes Leaderboard" border="0"></a> <br /> <a href="http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/createtest.php"><img src="http://www.testriffic.com/images/createthis1.gif" border="0" title="Myspace Quiz"> <a href="http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/4781231"<img src="http://www.testriffic.com/images/takequiz.gif" border="0" title="Take Quiz"></center>
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[19 Feb 2009|04:20am]
For those of you that don't have/read myspace.

you need to see this.

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[04 Nov 2008|10:28pm]

Before you all start complaining about your jobs...
I came into work at Noon and worked a shift until midnight which was full of tantrums, screaming, and having things thrown at my head...

only to find out that the overnight called out, and I am now working the Midnight-8am shift.

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[20 Sep 2008|07:36pm]
1. If you could be any super-villain, who would you be?

2. What powers do you use for evil?

3. What do you hope to achieve? (World Domination, destruction of your arch nemesis, $$$$, or just causing general mayhem?)


1. The Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak.
2. I hang out with a creepy old lady that has a scary looking snake, and I use pies for evil doing.
3. Destroy Strawberry Shortcake!!!!!!

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Wedding! [28 May 2008|11:21pm]
Here are the professional pictures taken at my sisters wedding.
They took forever, because I took them from the photographers flash site. I took a screen shot, saved them, uploaded them to photobucket, and then cropped the photo out. So they are a bit small, but it is better than nothing! :)



More Pictures!Collapse )
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also a question [19 Feb 2008|05:57pm]

I forgot to add this into the last post...
Do you believe in signs? Not road signs, but when something constantly appears in your life?

Nick and I are moving into a new apartment soon, like I stated in my last post. We always talk about how it would be nice to leave massachusetts, but we probably never will because we both really love it here for the most part.

Then all of a sudden, the signs started coming. I wasn't even THINKING about Portland Oregon. Never. I would have never even considered this place. I have never wanted to live anywhere near there....and all of a sudden I am bombarded:

- I have read two books recently. One is based in Portland Oregon. The other, is a memoir and the author ends up in, and currently lives in Portland.
- Then I talked to my ex the other night and he said he wants to move. I asked him where, and he said, "I visited Portland because my aunt lives there and I absolutely love it there." I think I'm going to move there at some point.
- I checked my e-mail yesterday and there was a medical assistant newsletter that I still get even though I'm out of school that was talking about job opportunities in Portland.
- Someone in a livejournal community I am in posted pictures of this beautiful city that she had just moved to...and I'm thinking, "wow this is a gorgeous place to live where is it?" It was Portland.
- I was reading Paste Magazine and it was talking about the rise and fall of the Seattle scene. One of the guys from Death Cab for Cutie was interviewed, and he said he moved from Seattle to Portland, and that he loves it there.
- I was reading a New Age website recently, looking for some info on stores in massachusetts, and come to find out there some of the best Pagan and New Age stores in Portland.

There were a few more weird "signs" that happened...but seriously...am I just subconsciously looking for signs because of the first few, or is this something I should be thinking about?

I don't know. I thought it was weird.
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tonight [22 Dec 2007|02:27am]
[ mood | crappy ]

Tonight was not what I wanted it to be.
It started out great. Bill did a wonderful feature at the youth slam and dedicated an amazing poem to me...and on top of that, let me have one of his paintings...now I have three! :) He was so sweet and I'm so glad he was there....then he left, and it went all downhill from there.
Nick and I did the new crossword which was awesome. Then Liz, Nick and I conquered Photo Hunt so we will go down in history as the champs.

Then after close, what I thought was going to be a java hut sendoff party...turned into something so much different. It was apparantly a "prom" that really only revolved around Annie and Laura. Anyway... I only knew a few people, and the rest were random people I had never even seen before. I thought it was going to be a lot more intimate, with my friends that I have met there over the years. It wasn't anything close to that. Most of the people I thought would probably come didn't even show up. I literally started to feel sick to my stomach. Then someone I didn't even know asked me for my 5 dollar cover. A 5 dollar cover for a "fundraiser" that was not made clear as to what it even was. So apparantly I wasn't allowed to stay at the place where I've spent the last 4 and a half years of my life because I didn't have 5 dollars.

Whatever...I went to see Matt and April and the other people that I actually go there to see...and only about 5 of them were even there to begin with.

I guess I'm being a party pooper, and a jerk...and I am probably flipping out over nothing, but I just had to get my thoughts out. I was just under the impression that it was going to be like the old parties we used to have there after hours. Oh well.

RIP Java Hut. It seems like lots of your old friends gave up on you a long time ago.

This was the one thing I was looking forward to this week.
I really hope Sunday is different.
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